Father for a year, plus 2

Kiya turned one year-old today. I find it amazing that a year has passed since she was born. I was so nervous and anxious. But she came out beautiful and healthy. She's now quite the little chunk. She's stronger than she realizes. She's so curious and sometimes very determined. She's a good girl, though, and typically when she knows we don't want her doing something, she'll stop it. She's really trying to walk farther and farther every day (about 9 steps last night). She's really trying to say things, be expressive, and responsive--almost in a conversational way at times. Monday night she wasn't sleeping too well. I wasn't either so I got to just sit and hold her in her room in the rocking chair. There's something about having a baby rest on you, be supported on you, rely on you for comfort, that helps to put the day-to-day things into perspective.

Being a father was something I always wanted as long as I can remember. I still remember being worried as a little boy when I realized that I'd grow up to be a daddy and not a mommy, because I was so much closer to my mommy. I had more tender feelings for her, and I wanted my kids to have those tender feelings for me too. I have since realized that is possible, too, as a daddy, and I have very special feelings for my own father. When I was 15 or so, I wrote an essay for school called "The Desire to Bear", or something like that, where I described my feelings about why I wanted to be a father--to help another grow, to mold and teach them. I don't know if that essay got preserved anywhere (can't find it electronically anyhow). It took me a little longer than I planned to actually be a father. I had expected to go to school, go on a mission, get married while still in school, and maybe even start having kids while in college. I always thought that I'd have a kid by 25. Well, I turned 26 and still wasn't married...

However, Jared has been a blessing. He helped me catch up on lost time. Since he was born in 2002, that actually puts me about right. Just so happens I didn't know him yet, though! I picked things up with him when Heather and I started our relationship, and officially when we were married July 2004 (so Jared was already 2). It was definitely a learning experience, and continues to be so. Having not gone through the first two years, Heather had to be fairly patient with me. I'm getting to fill in those missing 2 years now with Kiya. It is definitely a different experience. Although I love that Kiya is "blood-of-my-blood", Jared is the one that evoked my first paternal instincts, joys, and frustrations. He is sealed to our family and will be the main example for those that follow. When I came into the picture, though, his personality was already shining through. He's a people person through and through.

Kiya's personality is just beginning to emerge. It's amazing to see. At times I see her mischievous, curious, thoughtful, fun-loving, considering, wondering, and just observing. And more often than not, there's a bit of attitude and sass mixed in. Everyone always says that she looks exactly like me, which I'm not sure is good for either of us, but I love it anyway. Seems like she may be tending more toward the personality of her mother, though. She has that "go get 'um", can-do attitude. If she falls, rarely will she even put on any negative expression at all. If the legs fall short, well then the arms and knees still work great! She's gotten so fast on those things. She's also taken to pulling herself up at one of the backyard windows and just staring out, or hitting the window and waving and trying to talk. I think she mostly does it when Sienna, the dog, is out there.

I'm grateful to be a father, and for Kiya. For her love and sweetness. I pray that I can fulfill the great responsibility it is to be her, like Jared's, father. I love them both. I love my wife for blessing me with them, and for seeing me for more than I see myself.