For the first time in my life, my baldness and general appearance beyond my years have paid off. Today is General Employee Training for new hires, which is scheduled from 8 am to 5 pm. During the first break, I overheard the trainer talking to a classmate who was an older guy in his 40's saying that he didn't have to stay for the rest of the day long class and could just go take the test, since the class was meant mainly for younger workers. I piped up and said, "You mean, us old guys can just go?", rubbing my bald spot for good measure.
1 multiple choice *test later, I was on my way to sweet freedom, or rather on my way back to work.
Footnotes
________________________________________________________________
*I scored 100%. But with questions like:
What should you do in the event of a fire?
a.Notify your manager when you have time.
b.Open all your windows.
c.Call 911
d.Call the environmental protection agency.
my score made me feel minimally competent.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Oldie, but goodie.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Even more ham of the sandwich
Two quick updates to my list of clientisms:
-We need to put on the table all the cats and dogs we recognize and give them names.
-You're as lost as a cockroach on a chicken farm.
....
Thursday, May 21, 2009
When it rains...
So I just got an email from a university in California that wants to fly me out to interview for a faculty position. Excellent timing. And it's in San Luis Obispo, right in my perfect climate zone (Low 80's in the summer, mid 60's in the winter).
3 days too late.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Real job, not fake job.
I was worried there for a few weeks that this was not going to happen. The paperwork process was taking such a long time, with little communication from the guy who hired me, I was starting to think he had second thoughts and was interviewing other people. But no, I called him today and the committee has given its approval, finally. We are indeed going to Los Alamos. Very soon.
Unemployment, its been fun, but I think its time for me to move on. Its not you, its me. We're just moving in different directions. No, don't get emotional, you knew this has been coming. I'll miss the long lazy mornings together, the slow plodding afternoons we spent in each others arms, the vacations I took away from you and yet somehow you hid in my suitcase desperate not to let me out of your sight. You were my constant companion, always whispering sweet nothings in my ear, even as I cursed your name. You were faithful to me, never leaving my side. But you deserve another. Someone more faithful. I gave it my all, but 2 years was just about my limit. So long, my love. Don't try to find me. That would just be awkward.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Motherhood
I don't have time this year to reflect on motherhood. Luckily, Rosalynde has written what I would, if there only more time, and fewer dishes. http://timesandseasons.org/index.php/2005/05/mothers-day-3/
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Roadtrip completed, and the result is:
A job.
Yes, a job. A real job. Not fake, but real. No imaginary jobs here. Just real. It apparently will give me compensation in the form of "money" in exchange for work on my part (is this common?). Occasionally, they will pay me to go on "vacation", and will also subsidize something called "health insurance", all completely new terms to me.
I'd love to tell you what I'll be working on, but the problem is, I don't really know since they wouldn't tell me. Its classified. You see, the job is at a little place called Los Alamos National Lab. You know, the one with all the nukes.
How did I get a job at LANL? I don't honestly know. I've applied to hundreds of jobs over the past two years, all of them I found advertised on various sites like monster and other career sites, occasionally on the site of the company itself like Boeing (curse you Boeing for the 20-30 jobs I applied to with you, and you never gave me the time of day!). This one just kind of appeared out of thin air. I emailed a former student of my undergraduate advisor and asked him if he knew of any postdoc positions open at the lab. He emailed back and said, why yes, I need to hire one right away, when's the soonest I can fly you down for an interview? I said, in about 10 minutes. A week later we were driving to Los Alamos, NM (a much longer drive than it looks on a map, by the way).
It still feels a little surreal, like he's going to call at any minute and say, Oh, sorry, the funding dried up. Or, oops, I just interviewed someone else and I think they'd be a better fit. Or maybe I find out that the guy is just some quack scientist who will be shut down or let go in a few months. But no, this guy is the real thing. He ran a huge research institute at the University of Louisiana for a few years, and has ran a big group at LANL for years now working on classified projects. He showed me his lab, and he has equipment laying around in the dust in the corner that any university physics lab would murder for. His last paper was on making brand new materials in nano-fiber form with a high power laser that no one has ever made before. Its real. He showed me the high power femtosecond laser, patted it and said, This will be your baby for a few years.
He even said that if I'm a good fit after 2 years, I'd be hired on as a full staff member, the equivalent of a tenured professor at a university.
I'm totally not making this up.
I still almost don't believe it, since the job is better than anything I'd dreamed of having- I thought only MIT or caltech grads who did stunning research with nobel laureates get to go to LANL. Not me. Especially now after two years of looking, I thought I was defective.
He wants us to come down within weeks. As soon as the paperwork goes through (which really is the only thing that could derail this, and he said that he's never been denied a postdoc by his higher-ups), we leave. Well, as soon as we can sell the house- if thats even possible to do in a few weeks.
Yes, its not Seattle, but I gave Seattle plenty of time to come up with a job for me. You lost, Seattle, the prize goes to Los Alamos. Even you, Washington, couldn't muster a job- you got beaten by New Mexico. You snooze, you lose, west coast- I gave you 18 months.
Anyway, we stayed in Los Alamos for a full day (a full, blizzardy day), and tried to get to know the area a bit. Its on top of a mesa, several mesas actually, such that each neighborhood is on a different mesa and there are bridges connecting them. It is surprisingly very green (zoom out on google maps and you'll see what I mean), and the weather is really nice for most of the year- only high 70's/low 80's in the summer, but cold (and sunny) in the winter. The schools are amazing, always ranked near the top of public schools nationally. There is no crime. Its hard to commit crimes when there are soldiers with machine guns in humvees making occasional patrols. And most of the 12,000 residents are scientists, who, as we know from many hero/villain movies, make really incompetent criminals.
My work is 12 miles down this deserted, canyon road that looks like it was straight out of a car or motorcycle commercial- weavy, up and down, stunning scenery. The landscape is amazing- red rock, green trees, rivers and streams- all right there mixed in with the neighborhoods and the lab. My building is out in the middle of nowhere, and looks like a storage shed on the outside. On the inside, it is a high tech world class physics lab, but they want to fool potential spies. In fact, the layout of the lab is such that the buildings are scattered on this huge 40 square mile chunk of land, with each many mile apart from the next. They did this originally for three purposes: first, since they were working on the atomic bomb, they didn't want one accidentally going off and wiping out all the scientists- if they're spread out not all of them die. Second, better security- if someone manages to get into one lab, that lab only has a small portion of sensitive material, and third, in the original Manhattan project they kept the nature of the work secret from nearly all the scientists who worked there by keeping them separated- only a few at the top knew what they were working on.
So anyway, still in shock, but I have a job. Or at least a 99% certainty of having a job within a few weeks.
(ps- Julie, don't tell your mom yet- we're going to tell her when she gets here in a day or two.)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Jenny and her Conferences
Jenny organized, and presented at a conference held at BYU. Here is the news story.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Demetri Martin Revue
I recently saw Demetri Martin, a comedian who has a show on Comedy Central. He plays the piano and guitar during the show, and has a gigantic note pad with graphs and pictures as well. And yes, he uses a pointer on it. Not a laser pointer, but a real one. Here are some bits that I remember from the show; nothing is verbatim but it's all close to what he said. My friend has coconut soap in his bathroom which is nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then you don't know if the soap is working or not. "Do you have some soap that smells like hands?"
When I see a sign for a Talent Show I feel there should be a question mark at the end.
A tree house is so insensitive. That would be like if I killed your friend and made you hold him.
I wish I had cold cereal that was shaped like little boats. That way I could feel like a monster every morning.
If I had a baby I would start putting anti-aging cream on him right away. People would look at my baby and ask "How old is he? Is that a fetus?"
I heard a guy say the other day that he could go for some brownies. This got me thinking. If he is a chef, that's OK. If he's a scout leader, that's not OK. If he's a chef at a girl scout camp, I'm not sure.
I would like to fill a pinata with real animal guts.
I saw a guy eat his own burger the other day. It's not my thing, but I guess it works for him. It has its benefits - an endless supply of snacks. Before you go on a road trip you hope to get a cold so you can have snacks galore.
I like the sign for wet floor, because it has a picture. That clarifies the sign. It's not telling you what to do, it's showing you what will happen.
I always feel like my trip overseas was wasted when I go through customs. "Did you go on a farm?" "No." "Did you touch any livestock?" "No." "Do you have any firearms?" "No." Next time I go overseas I'm going to pet a cow than shot it.
I'm allergic to cats. This means I'm allergic to lions. That's a double whammy. Not only will I get mauled if I run into a lion, but I'll get a stuffy nose.
Without a doubt the best thing ever in existence is definitely exaggeration. No wait, it's qualifying statements. [There were a couple more things after that but I can't remember them.]
I don't watch sports as much as I used to. I think that's because I'd rather watch the mascots fight than the teams.
His show was well worth the price of admission, although not as good as Seinfeld, but who is? He spiced up the show well with the use of instruments so it felt longer than it actually was, a little shorter than ninety minutes. I definitely recommend seeing him if possible.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Video films
I found this page of 99 videos that everyone should have seen. I went through them all, and I probably had seen more than half. I thought I'd add to the list.
I Met the Walrus
Le Cheval
Kid gets hit in head with basketball
Polish or latvian or russian or lithuanian dive
Large Hadron Rap
Cow abduction
The Schwarzenegger Conspiracy
Gerald Ford Is Dead
Extras - Wizard! You shall not pass!
Comb over expert
Rent-A-Person
All things Terry Tate
Others?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Elizabeth's Point of View
My sister posted something on her blog about some of the hilarious antics of her 2 year old son. This inspired us to compile a short list of some of the funny things Elizabeth has said lately. She just turned 3 a few weeks ago, by the way.
A few weeks ago, Katie was reading a book to Beth. The book was about a little fish that learned how to share and be nice so he could make friends. Katie asked her, "Do you know how to share?" Elizabeth said, "No." Then Katie said, "Maybe if we learn how to share, we will be able to make more friends." Elizabeth said, "Mommy, I not a fish."
The day after Timothy’s birthday, Katie noticed Elizabeth playing with the salad bowl. Elizabeth had crayons in the bowl and was using the salad servers to "toss" the crayons. Katie assumed that she was pretending to make a salad and said, "What are you making?" Beth answered, "Making treats for Timmy’s birfday." Katie said, "That’s nice of you, what kind of treats are you making?" Elizabeth said, "Timmy likes to eat crayons." So here Katie thought she was pretending, when Beth was actually preparing crayons to feed to Timmy, which he really does like to eat.
Sometimes Elizabeth talks back to Katie using the same language Katie uses. She sometimes says, "Mommy, you driving me crazy!"
Elizabeth out of the blue one day said, "Daddy, I a little bit scared." We know she knows what "scared" means because she told us she was scared of Santa Claus. On Christmas morning, she wouldn’t go downstairs because we told her that Santa had brought presents. She remembered Santa Claus from the Ward Christmas Party and my work Christmas party – in both instances she wouldn’t even look at him because he was so terrifying. Anyway, I was genuinely concerned when I said, "What are you scared of?" She said, "I a little bit afraid." I said, "What are you afraid of?" (I was a little impressed that she knows both words.) She said, "I afraid of elephants." Katie and I raised our eyebrows and looked at each other and at her without saying anything for a few seconds. Katie said, "What do you mean?" Elizabeth repeated, "I afraid of elephants." Then Katie said, "Where are the elephants? Did you see an elephant?" Beth said, "Elephants outside." Katie said, "Then I guess we’ll just stay inside." Beth said, "Okay," apparently satisfied. What’s even stranger is that she will tell us that she is afraid of elephants every few days. Each time she is satisfied with either, "Let’s stay inside then," or "Elephants are our friends." She has seen elephants on videos, but she has seen a live elephant once. They were doing elephant rides at the greenhouse/nursery about a year ago and we stopped to look at the elephant. Elizabeth was definitely afraid of the elephant then, but it really surprises us that she remembers and that she brings it up so often
P.S. Nick: that other blog on my profile is the my parents' and siblings' blog. It wouldn't be of much interest to you.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Company X Unmasked!
For some who have been doggedly harassing me to reveal the identity of company X (the company with which I interviewed 5 times), your long wait is finally over!
The reason I waited to tell anybody is because I had a fun way I was going to announce it. You see, working at company X was my dream job. I was going to wait until April 1st, and announce that I had finally been offered my dream job and list all the things that is great about the job and how it lined up perfectly with my "perfect job" that I had in mind for years. Well, those jack-holes chose someone else a few weeks ago and it has taken me this long to get over it and let it go. So, with no further adieu, I give you my dream job:
Location: West Maui
Company: Maui Preparatory Academy (a private school)
Job: Start up the AP physics and AP calculus programs there. Small classes (under 10), many mandatory field trips (like to Boston, San Fran, Japan, etc.), I would get to build the lab equipment, possibly teach another class like astronomy, chemistry, etc., be a mentor to a group of about 10 kids, school is about 5 blocks from the beach...
Other Perks: I would get to coach cross country and track. Lucy could attend private school (starting at preschool) for FREE. Jenny would have been able to teach a few senior English or Literature classes part-time. I could have led clubs like the astronomy clubs (taking trips to the HUGE telescopes on the big island), ultimate club, etc..
I'm still blinking back tears as I write this.
The only draw-back was housing expenses, but I've been tracking the housing market there for 4 months now, and it has dropped along with the rest of the country, so we might have been able to buy a tiny house there. Tiny would be ok there since the weather is such that your yard becomes an extension of the house.
And just think of the garden I could have had! Year round tomatos, lettuce, onions, carrots.... just about year round EVERYTHING.
And then the whole joke on April fools day is that everyone would have thought it was a joke! And then, on April 2nd, I'd fess up and say something like "Ok, ok! Aprils fools! Just kidding! I really won't be able to coach Ultimate Frisbee there since they don't even have a team!" And everyone would be like "Uh... so it wasn't an april fools joke?" and I'd be all "Boo-ya!".
Curse you company X! Ruined a perfectly good April fools joke.