Thursday, March 30, 2006

Dem Reid: Childish Name Calling 'Key' to 2006 Election Strategy

In an election year in which Republican incumbents face a public backlash over the war in Iraq, the lackluster response to hurricane Katrina and perceived republican corruption, Democratic house and senate leaders have released their battle plan to take back the congress.

Summarizing the strategy, Senate minority leader Harry Reid said: “During the past several years, the corrupt Republican majority has shown it’s true colors as it slashes programs for the needy, ignores the needs of our troops overseas, and rewards it’s wealthy patrons in big oil with large illegal kickbacks. We believe the American people are so tired of the incompetency and fear mongering that we believe we can take back congress with a new campaign of fierce, childish name calling” Asked if this represented a change in direction for the democratic party, Reid responded “What matters is taking the country back from those poo-poo heads. We believe that its time to blow the boogers out of the nose of this government.”

The new strategy, termed “elegantly simple, yet devastating to the dumdum republican majority” by house minority leader Nancy Pelosi, was received with praise by the democratic leadership council. DNC chair Howard Dean remarked “This is the freshest new idea that has come out of our leadership in a long time. Those meany weanies won’t know what hit ‘em! Yiiiiiiiiiaaaaahhhh!”

Senate Democrats were quick to incorporate the new strategy into their stump speeches. Hillary Rodham Clinton, preparing for her upcoming senate campaign, proclaimed to a large donor crowd at a fundraising dinner “It’s time send Mr. Stinky Pants back to Texas!”

On Good Morning America, Charlie Gibson asked Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice whether she “enjoyed working for a president commonly referred to as “Mr. Stinky Pants”. Rice responded that she “thought [she] was on the program to discuss Iran’s nuclear program”. Gibson continued “Are you saying you disagree with that characterization of the president?” Secretary Rice refused to continue that line of questioning and proceeded to lecture Gibson about nuclear non-proliferation issues.

Later in the day, RNC chairman Ken Mehlman told reporters “The Republican party has always been the party of ideas. It is sad to see the other side stoop to new lows”. Minority leader Pelosi quickly retorted “Liar liar pants on fire! Yeah, they’re the party of BAD ideas! Poo poo heads!”

During the White House press conference, press secretary Scott Mclellan was peppered with questions about the newly announced strategy. Helen Thomas inquired how long the President had actually been a "poo poo head” to which Mclellan responded “We hope the 2006 campaign will be about issues, and not childish name calling as the democratic leaders in the house are now resorting to.” Pressed by David Gregory of NBC for proof that the president was not a “poo poo head”, Mclellan closed the briefing to further questions.

When asked by NPR host Michelle Norris about the new Democrat battle plan, Al Gore noted “You know, I was ahead of the curve on this one. I’ve been regularly employing childish name calling in my speeches for years. Just ask that boob in the White House.”

The plan is not without skeptics, however, with Dianne Feinstein pointing out “Sure, this might be a good strategy to convince the undecideds, but what about our base? They will be looking for the hard core profanity laden naming calling. If I’m not out calling the current administration a bunch of *%*^ing s.o.b.s everyday, then I lose my donors!”

Reid has called all Democratic senators not up for reelection this year to a pep rally set for tomorrow on the steps of the capitol. The content of the speeches planned was not announced, though a memo leaked to the press read the following:

“When any Republican congressman arrives at the capitol, surround him with pointed fingers saying in unison ‘Fatty fat fat fat! Fatty fat fat fat!’”


Nick said...

Sorry, I've been wanting to write some satire for a long time now. This wasn't the most inspired or original piece, but I guess you have to start somewhere...

Jenny said...

You just wanted an excuse to use the line "fatty fat fat fat."

Jenny said...

When Nick wrote about NPR and its possible political leanings, I commented that I just have a hard time caring about politics (even though it's not very pc to admit to that [nuanced irony of not caring about politics but caring about whether it is politically correct to not care about them intended]). I think this post gives me another chance to explore my (non) political views.

You see, while I can read and appreciate Nick's satire for what it is, I would find it just as amusing if he had switched the democrats and the republicans. It seems like to me that they are both often engaged in various forms of name-calling or blaming or what have you. Which is all fine and dandy, but seems odd because there are intelligent people on both sides, and yet they can't communicate and just agree to disagree and yet still continue to govern.

What I'm not sure about is why I feel so blasé about politics and how I ended up married to a man who likes to quiz me about current events over dinner (especially when we go out to eat at a place that covers the tables with paper and gives you crayons. Then we play current-events pictionary until our food comes.) So Nick, what I want to know in response to your post here is why you decided to write it. What makes you want to not only follow politics, but actually invest creative effort in satirizing politics? Why do you love politics so much?

JonnyF said...

You forgot this part:
Senator John Kerry was not immediately available for comment as he is on vacation in Hawaii. He later commented by email, "That doobie-head foofoo-head in the White House has been asking for this. Those rich-people-loving, pandering, poopie Republicans won't know what hit 'em."